In light of Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day), I thought I would share this poem I wrote based on the life of Wladyslaw Szpilman as presented in his memoir The Pianist and accompanying film. It’s called “The Music in Me Lives” and speaks both to the miraculous survival of one man in the Holocaust, as well as to the themes of life, death, and detachment, and the place of art in guiding the soul through suffering—all of which are personal to me in my own journey.

Since this was a class project that I was not planning to share, my introduction addresses my classmates in the context of previous class discussions.

The poem itself begins right at the three minute mark; feel free to skip ahead (being in front of a camera is not my happy place).

If you are not familiar with this movie or book, there are major spoilers in my presentation.

 

A few years ago while I was praying about my health, I heard the Lord say, “You have to eat like you are in the Garden to feel like you are in the Garden.”

My first reaction was arrogance—I was already vegan, I like vegetables, and I felt like I was eating in a balanced and healthful way. In further prayer and reflection I found that I actually had much room for improvement. I ended up going on a specialized raw vegan (living food) diet for six months (with the help of a local chef), focusing on gut health and digestion.

I have long since been back to a healthier version of my “normal” diet; but that season of eating simple raw and fermented foods has had a lasting influence on my health. My hypothyroidism was completely cured, so that I was able to get off all the medicine I had been taking. I started losing some of the weight I had gained in my second pregnancy. And I believe this season has contributed to some of the healing I have experienced since (e.g. my hormones are now balanced, and I had an autoimmune pain disorder for about six years, which is now gone—more on that later).

About six months ago I started taking a supplement to help thyroid health—not because I was having thyroid problems, but because I wanted to ensure that I never had thyroid problems again. I had an irrational anxiety that my problems would come back because my levels were slightly elevated from one appointment to the next (but still in the normal range), and I wanted a physical comfort that I was still healed and would stay healed.

Guess what happened? I immediately started having thyroid problems again! At my next appointment (three months ago), my doctor told me I should look for any iodine in my diet and remove it, as it could be the reason my thyroid was off again. Iodine apparently doesn’t respond well beside autoimmune conditions (which I am still working through); and my new supplement had 150% the recommended dosage of iodine! I stopped taking it, and recently received the results of my newest blood work: my thyroid is healthy. No more problems. It’s reflecting its original healing.

Healing does not always come the way we intend: It may come through physical strategy and lifestyle changes when we want God to do a miracle; or it may come as a silent or incomprehensible miracle when we desire a spectacle or tangible assurance.

In 2 Kings 5, Naaman calls on the king of Israel for healing of his leprosy, but instead finds himself at Elisha’s house, where a servant tells him to dip seven times in the dirty Jordan river to receive his healing. He became angry that he was not cared for per his expectations; then:

“Naaman’s servants went to him and said, ‘My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’!’ So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.” (v. 13-14)

We can trust God, who designed our bodies, to heal us in whichever way He deems: be it dipping in a dirty river, heeding His direction in lifestyle choices, or even in receiving an instant healing miracle. We do not need to manipulate His process through our own knowledge, but can approach Him as the Wise Doctor who has given us both practical resources and examples of good health (as with the Law of Moses, and the Proverbs), as well as the power of the Holy Spirit to heal the sick, and to receive His healing ourselves.

Each New Year I prayerfully consider a word to reflect on throughout the next year, and often it becomes a prophetic fore-telling of the theme of my next season, so I try to pick something positive and dynamic.

In 2015, my word was “release,” and the Lord led and guided me in releasing my expectations for how I should be experiencing life, as well as taking me through some of the hidden hurts of my past and allowing me to receive His grace and healing insight within those memories. Transition is not always comfortable; and I definitely experienced a “shaking” of some areas of my life as I released old things and stepped into the new both emotionally and physically.

As I was praying about a word for the 2016, it was my natural desire to want a word along the lines of “abundance.” It is the year of Jubilee (having started last September), so I think we can expect good things; and of course I want this to be a year of excellence in my own life.

What I perceived the Lord saying was that this is a year of holiness.

Holiness has so many connotations: being dedicated and consecrated for a divine purpose, being set apart, separate, sacred, and hallowed. But I was also remembering something I read some time ago from Jack Hayford (Rebuilding the New You—a great book by the way!) about holiness being connected to wholeness since the Spirit desires to perfect us in His holiness by bringing us into the wholeness of Jesus.

In other words, in Jesus we are not just set apart unto ourselves, but set apart from the kingdom of the world and into the Kingdom of God. Heaven is at hand for those who believe, and in heaven—in Jesus—there is wholeness, including of our bodies, souls, and spirits (1 Thess. 5:23, Heb. 4:12). God’s people are also to be consecrated together into a community and holy priesthood (1 Peter 2:4-5).

The Lord wants us to be holy as He is holy (Lev. 11:4-35, 1 Peter 1:14-16, Mat. 5:44-48). This is part command, but also a prophetic desire from God for His people to choose Him. On our own we cannot make ourselves holy—and good luck for those taking a manpower approach to New Year’s resolutions! ;-). Is there any better gift than being so connected with God that His thoughts become our thoughts, and His desires our desires?! Thank God, He wants to help us to connect to Him thoroughly!!

I am praying this year for:

• deeper intimacy with God
• increased passion in worship and intercession
• unexpected new friends
• abundant life for my communities (church, family, friends, school, work, etc.)
• wholeness in my entire being, and
• an overflowing presence of His Spirit.

Happy 2016!

 

I love to cook, and I happen to be vegan. Just as with any food there are awesome vegan dishes and barely edible ones.

I was talking to a new friend who learned I was vegan and said, “Oh, I had a vegan cookie once and it was awful.” I had to chuckle, because, yes, I have had bad vegan cookies too. It happens. I love to experiment in the kitchen, with a large variety of results. A couple days ago I made a flourless cake using sweet potato, coconut, and ground nuts, I was surprised how well it turned out! It was good! I could have easily missed out had I not been so bold with putting ingredients together in a new way.

When we set “good” to equal something very specific, our expectations can limit us from experiencing other good things.

When my husband and I first got together, he was convinced he didn’t like lentils because he hated the lentil soup his mom would make. Lo and behold, he loves the spicy lentil dishes I am drawn to preparing, and he shortly realized that it was not the lentils themselves he didn’t like, but the particular lentil dish.

Sometimes we have to adjust our expectations, learn to be flexible, and exercise our creativity because life always comes with unexpected twists. If I let my expectations for my life limit or define my joy, I could miss out on what God has planned for me in a season of unanticipated experiences. The feeling of missing out on a particular form of “goodness” would come due to the mistake of looking for something else—from expecting goodness, or healing, or friendships, or opportunities, to come in a particular way.

For example, I have experienced healing miracles where God has done an instant miraculous work, and others where He has given me a physical strategy (like changing my diet) in order to lead to healing. I have also been walking through a season of chronic autoimmune issues, knowing full well that He is the healer, but finally feeling the flexibility and security of finding goodness in His person rather than needing or expecting it in my immediate circumstances. It took me awhile to recognize that my expectations for healing were hindering me from fully enjoying the presence of God, which is in itself more valuable than any physical experience—even of healing. I have been finding freedom by focusing first on God’s goodness—finding joy in worshipping Him, rather than in my experiences (in myself).

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Mat. 6:33).

God is good. But God is also the ultimate Creator. His ways are not always our ways. He puts things together in an unusually creative fashion. But in His wisdom He knows what He is doing. We can trust that eventually everything is working together to become something GOOD.

I visited my endocrinologist this morning, and as much as I like, respect, and am thankful for my medical team, visiting doctors is not my favorite thing. I am a Type One Diabetic on a pump and CGM (continuous glucose monitor), so when I “get” to visit every three months everything is well documented, and I cannot hide much—whether that be my higher stress, lack of sleep, or extra snacking.

I was not looking forward to this appointment because I have been well aware that my blood glucose numbers have been higher since my summer break has merged into the busyness and holiday eating habits of autumn (including a couple birthdays). I began praying before having my blood work done last week that my A1C would be much better than it truly is, and that my other panels would continue to be normal. Then today, I was extra nervous, so I prayed (albeit selfishly) that my diabetes trainer (appointment 1), endocrinologist (appointment 2), nurse, and receptionist would be in a great mood, and feel super blessed by God today.

I have noted that the times I pray before my blood work that it is exceptionally better, and that praying before appointments also changes the atmosphere. I do this regularly, but have had some of the worst surprises on the days that I have forgotten to pray. I should not be surprised when prayer is effective. But my numbers were so great according to my blood work—when I have seen the roller-coaster of my CGM—that truly I am surprised yet again. My doctors only thoroughly examine the last couple weeks of my charted glucose in order to make tweaks in my pump’s algorithms, so they would not necessarily anticipate the full picture. But I know that while I am more normal right now, the last month or two were chaotic. It was a mini miracle that I will not overlook! I am thankful! And every bit of healing favor shows the power and love of God to usher in His fullness of heath and well-being in the right timing. I look forward to sharing the story when I am healed.

In the middle of a particularly busy day of kids, homeschool, seminary homework, and too many undone house maintenance projects, a friend I have not seen in a long time came to my mind. It is frequent for me to think of people throughout the day, and typically I move quickly to the next thought, or maybe say a short prayer for the person. But this time I did what is rare for me, and I texted my friend.

My friend was in the middle of a problem. The train she was riding was in an accident. Everybody was fine, but the situation was chaotic, and it looked like she might not get where she was going. So I prayed for my friend that another way would come, and texted her my 20 second prayer. Eight minutes later she wrote again that my prayer had been speedy, and she was again on her way! Problem averted through a very short prayer!

I am so glad I did not ignore this moment!

Intercession does not have to be about long hours in the prayer room. It can also be listening and acting on the Lord’s promptings throughout the day. The Holy Spirit is placing small missions in our minds and hearts. Are we listening? Are we pausing to act? Sometimes the most important moments happen in the shortest slivers of time.

“The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results” (James 5:16 NLT).

My senior year of high school I unexpectedly found myself taking Choir in order to meet my fine art credit. I’m not the sing-in-public type—plus was more “jock” than “musical”—so it was an interesting and empowering experience.

In preparation for an upcoming concert our teacher guided us into the auditorium, switched off the lights, and had us practice singing a cappella in a circle in the dark.

In the dark there were no distractions. In the dark our ears became more sensitive to the sounds, and we were more likely to stay on tune within our various parts. It was really beautiful—one of my favorite moments, even though I have no memory of the song itself.

I have had a shift in my spirit of embracing my challenges. And somehow, I have had more physical energy, more joy, and more peace, even though I am still chronically ill and struggling through the symptoms of my conditions.

It’s tempting, when the lights go out in our lives—when life is difficult—to stop worshipping God. Maybe we mean to worship Him, but we are so busy and distracted in trying to find the light—the way out—that it doesn’t happen. But in the darkness when our emotions and senses are heightened there is an opportunity to hear God more than ever. We can embrace the longings within our own souls, and surrender them passionately. Longing without hope becomes desperation, but longing with God leads to deep intimacy.

“May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope.” (Rom. 15:13 AMP)

 

 

Hebrews 4 promises that we can all enter into God’s rest. In fact, this passage of Scripture indicates that if we are not able to find our rest in God, we should be alarmed! Regardless of our circumstances, burdens, or weaknesses, we who love God can find fortitude, security, and peace in Him. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light (Mat. 11:29-30).

Sometimes this feels harder than it should. I have been finding a new level of rest in God in these past few weeks, where I previously had not fully realized my own resistance to truly resting in Him with my physical health and healing.

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes about five years ago, and have been looking forward to God healing me ever since. He has personally spoken to me regarding my healing—plus, it is in God’s nature to heal—and so I have been eagerly anticipating this gift. My hope in Him has been healthy, but in my active expectation I realized I had not settled into His rest.

In the past several months I came to a place of faith of deciding that I can believe God’s word, and not worry about the details. I do not need to know how or when He will heal me, but can live peacefully in Him in the meantime and be pleasantly surprised when it happens. In the past few weeks, I prayerfully came to a new level of understanding what and how this rest will look for me in my current situation, and for this season of my life. Namely, I have finally purchased an insulin pump and continuous glucose meter! I had been resisting this, even though I knew it could help me function better day-to-day, because it was emotionally too difficult for me to accept and settle into my illness. Ironically, my health has been more dis-eased in the meantime, and probably has been an over-emphasized part of my life because I have had to deal with daily challenges.

So, I am settling in! I am accepting my circumstances! And I am choosing to enjoy God in this resting season! His rest is for you too; regardless of your personal obstacles!

I saw a commercial today for some kind of medical drug claiming to help with whichever illness it was, followed by a good 20 seconds of warnings of terrible side effects, and potentially death. I know I’ve seen similar commercials before, but this time I began to think about how terrible the people with that illness must feel in order to take such heavy risks with potent drugs.

The idea of trading one bad thing for another “lesser” bad is quite common. I learned as I was researching for a seminary paper on biblical authority over demons that one of the primary methods of spiritualist and Jewish healers in casting out demons would be to scare them out with other more powerful demons. These practices emphasized Jesus’ remarkable spiritual authority, especially since He held visible power over all demons and illnesses. It is no wonder that He was also mistaken as using the authority of the ruler of demons in Matthew 12:22-30, since His power was so beyond the norm.

Sometimes it feels like anything is better than whatever we are going through. But the Lord is the only one who can truly heal—the illnesses, the emotions, the soul—and to direct us into the methods and processes that will catalyze that healing. The safest place to be is within God’s rest: whether He directs us to traditional medicine, alternative medicine, unusual and nonsensical healing strategies (and miracles!), or if He works to redirect our focus entirely.

I have dealt with continuous chronic health issues with better and more difficult moments, and can empathize with wanting change. An experience I had a couple years ago ironically changed my heart from seeking “solutions” and helped me to push through those feelings of “what else can I do?” to the new challenge of trusting God as I rest in “the best that I can.” I had been praying to God when I clearly heard a demonic spirit say that if I would renounce God and re-join his army he would heal me in a moment. The call was so audible and so far out of the realm of possibility—God having given me so much, and the enemy having stolen so much—that I was able to put my situation in perspective. Whatever reason for being sick, whatever reason for the delay in my prayers being answered, I realized that the situation was not in my control.

Healing does not come through control, but by complete release and trust in God.

Superbowl Sunday is one of the great American holidays that I typically ignore. But as a Washingtonian at heart, I had to see how my home-team would compete. (Can I be a “fan” if I only watch the last game of the season? I won’t pretend I remember all the player’s names.)

The Superbowl is one of the times when so many Americans are focused on the same thing all at once that it becomes a sort of spiritual experience, with the halftime show and commercials a revelation of the state of our nation (for better or, usually, worse). And then there’s the game itself… I wonder how much God speaks to us through stuff like this? It seems frequent. I won’t say that I know what God is saying, or what the game means; but it feels significant to me that both teams received a last minute miracle.

Do we know that God is for people, giving each of us the miracles we will receive? Fans of each team may be praying to win games, but I don’t think God works like that. I think it’s more like His blessings are available without prejudice and part of the process is that we take those opportunities and make the play.

I was floored when Seahawks receiver Jermaine Kearse caught the ball even after he’d fallen. I had had a brief impression in the third quarter that the Patriots would have to win (I felt it was something about the team’s name, though that was just the feeling I had); so when the Seahawks made their way down the field I had hope that they would still win. With so little time left, the Patriots’ end of the game interception by Malcolm Butler was even more unbelievable. I believe God was working on both sides to give each player incredible opportunities.

After the game an interviewer asked Butler why he was so emotional, and he described how he’d had a vision that he would make a big play and was so blessed that it had come true (I wish I could find the full clip). Super touching, right?! Despite rooting for the Seahawks, I was moved by Butler’s humility and emotion.

Whether or not we can call this game “prophetic,” I felt like there was much to “hear” through it. We should listen for God to speak to us through abnormal situations and events, and watch for the opportunities the Lord is giving to step into new blessings in our lives.

I pray for a personal word for each new year, usually in December or early January; but with the shmita year (sabbatical year) having started this past September at Rosh HaShanah on the Jewish calendar, I chose my new word much earlier, and have been living with it in mind for a handful of months. My word of the year is: release. The shmita year is a release and restoration season, in general, so I have been intentionally following the refreshing winds of change in the Spirit that I began feeling in September. So much has been happening spiritually and physically that I haven’t (and don’t) have time to record.

With the “double new year” this January, I have been so excited for the new things God is doing. Funny enough, our whole family came down with walking pneumonia in the last days of December (we are now recovered), so this first month of the year has been for resting, developing strategy, and seeking God’s wisdom rather than the jumping into new things that we expected. I have been reminded to release my expectations to God, even as I release myself into His freedom. I have also been purposefully releasing things of the past (both the hurtful memories and expectations of the past, and the good things that have prevented me from necessary change). I feel like this is a time to press into the Lord for spiritual understanding of what He is restoring in our lives this year, and how we can partner with Him to receive those blessings.

A few days ago I began to pray for strategy and insight regarding one of my chronic health conditions, and received an amazing encouraging dream answering my questions, and giving me the endurance to continue trusting God with this area of my health.

God wants to talk to us, to encourage us, and to help us to submit our lives to Him completely. This is a great time to pray about the new year and any desires,  resolutions, or unanswered prayers you might have, and to watch and listen expectantly for the Lord to reveal supernatural understanding into how His Spirit is moving in your life, and how you should respond.

 

 

Happy Birthday to me. As of a few days ago I’ve officially graduated from my 20s! New things are in the air, and I’ve been cognizant of the transition for a few weeks now. We have been celebrating my 30th birthday all week, and today culminates the festivities with a cake and singing.

In seminary this past week, we examined the inter-testamental period: 400 years of “silence” between the active ministries of the Hebrew prophets and Jesus’ coming to the earth in bodily human form. This was also the time that the Septuagint (LXX) was written (a Greek translation of Scripture). Interestingly, the LXX uses over twenty verbs to describe the activity of the Holy Spirit, even though the Spirit was “silent” during that period. Fascinating, right?!

The inter-testament Jewish atmosphere (from what we’re reading in class) was largely cessationalist (not believing in the supernatural nature of the Spirit for their day); and many believed the Spirit had left them entirely, with exception of many rabbis who held onto the hope that the Spirit would come again in the Messianic eschatological age. Liturgy, the Scriptures, and the rabbis pulled together the Jewish people as the major focuses. And interestingly, the Jews begun to evangelize throughout all the world (due to the Diaspora) with great fervor, collecting many converts. Recall in Acts 2 when the Jews and Jewish proselytes come from “every nation” (Acts 2:5). That occurred because of this period.

The Holy Spirit, while “silent” was not stagnant: He was working behind the scenes to prepare the hearts for the exciting reconciliation of heaven and earth in a big way. When Jesus entered the scene, the Kingdom of heaven was now at hand. The focus on Scripture was necessary to build the foundation for this experience; the Spirit and the Word now and always work together for God’s purposes.

Considering this, I have been very encouraged to recognize the Spirit’s nature in application to my own life. I have prayed for healing over my chronic conditions for five years now, and have largely felt silence despite the Spirit working through me in other outlets of my life. “Silent” seasons are not always comfortable. The Holy Spirit, however, is always moving. I just learned that the words for Spirit (ruach in Hebrew, and pneuma in Greek) do not just mean wind, breath, or spirit, rather: wind, breath, or spirit in motion. The Spirit is on a mission. He is acting even in the seasons when we cannot hear or sense Him in the most tangible way.

In the last month of transition, I had a moment where friends prayed over me and I felt as if I were in the middle of a hurricane. It was nothing I have felt before. The winds were going around me so fast and tangibly, yet no one else could feel them.

In the following weeks I have begun to thank the Lord with new passion, despite not sensing any external change. Then, a couple weeks ago, I experienced another surreal experience: As my husband and I were praying, one area of my stomach began to feel very hot while the rest of my body was cold from the wind coming through the open windows. We knew the heat was coming from a work of the Spirit inside of me (I’ve had problems with a few different organs), and the sensation and supernatural peace stayed for a couple hours until we finally fell asleep.

Physically, I face the same health challenges as before. But something is moving and changing as the Spirit brings a new season.

With so much to be thankful for and celebrate, it is now time for cake!

I just finished my first week of this new seminary school year, and I am tired and ready to start the weekend rest, so I am going to be brief in sharing a new revelation from my studies:

St. Luke writes his gospel to Theophilus, a Gentile believer who needs reassurance “of the things been taught” (Luke 1:1-4). This brings a remarkably unique account. I was amazed to recognize that while the text has a very Jewish essence—being deeply rooted in the Hebraic tradition and culture—it is also intentionally written with universal appeal. God has, from the beginning, desired the hearts of all nations, and Luke brings out that diversity without losing focus of the Jewish root of the Kingdom. It’s a fascinating paradigm.

This universal appeal is multifaceted, spanning gender, age, class, culture, and nationality. No one is left out. For example, John the Baptist was born in a miraculous birth coinciding with Jesus’ birth, but as a forerunner for Him. The parallels are immense, but among them is the obvious difference in class: John came from an important religious family who had the attention of the community, while Jesus was born humbly. Class and prominence are clearly not the indicators of spiritual worth. Also in the opening chapters of Luke, Simeon and Anna—an elderly man and an elderly woman—each recognized Jesus as Messiah when He visited the Temple as an infant, demonstrating that the Kingdom is also inclusive of both men and women. And the overall focus of Luke’s gospel is not on Jesus as a sacrificial offering (a natural continuation of Jewish thought), but on the movement of the Spirit, God’s ultimate plan of reconciliation for the world, and the Kingdom of God, which is a uniquely diverse, yet unified, collaboration of God’s children—both Jew and Gentile.

As one of my classmates pointed out, “same-ness is not the same as one-ness.” It’s important to encourage diversity, so that within our distinctions, the church can come together as the well-equipped, perfect, Body of Messiah.

It makes me excited to press forward with the goal to be my authentic self in all things.

There are several new elements in my life right now: a new look to my blog, new desires in my heart, a new fire in my spirit, and today is the first day of my third year of seminary!

I was a bit anxious for this school year because our university is moving from quarters to semesters—a conversion that is much needed, but which brings added confusion and temporary chaos for students and professors alike. Also, the new online structure is not quite a “semester”—it’s a rigorous seven weeks per class; one week more than what we’re used to, with the potential for a higher workload and more expectations than before. After a meeting with my advisor I am up for the challenge, but it will maximize my time management skills.

The class I’m taking right now focuses on Lukan theology (the books Luke wrote: Luke and Acts) within a Messianic perspective. I have the goal to share what I’m learning weekly, without trying to “perfect” everything.  So, there it is: a written commitment to share as I am in the learning process. Cheer me on as I stick to it; and feel free to ask lots of questions. :-)

The past year—maybe two—I have been in an interesting spiritual season. I’ve been struggling through the same chronic health problems that I’ve had for several years, but which have recently moved me from emotional tedium and annoyance into restlessness and desperation. Something has to change, I realized. If not my circumstances then me; and this, we all know, is the more difficult part. The natural movement of transformation comes from the inside out—God changes the heart, and fresh actions flow out of the new creation.

This is an excellent pattern, but I found myself asking, “Okay God, my heart has changed , but I am so tired—now what?” And in my desperation for something new, He began leading me in something completely backward from my expectations: to focus on my outside, so that my inside can catch up to what my heart is already doing. Essentially: to live sincerely in the vision of who I am (an act of faith—of manifesting the spiritual reality through my outer reflection).

There is a longer part of the story that I will skip over briefly: I dreamed prophetically, then realized, that when life became physically uncomfortable, I stopped being the fullness of myself. I’ve still been connected with God—maybe more than ever; I’m still involved in all sorts of things; but the way I have approached my life has been…confused. Namely, I began unknowingly hindering myself with my inner dialog, focusing on my limitations (which are there) instead of on the numerous freedoms I have in other areas. The Lord has begun to teach and remind me who He has created me to be—among the surprises, I remembered that I am an extrovert!

This is still a new and ongoing process for me. The essence is that I am focusing on making my physical appearance look as if I am healthy: taking time to do my hair, and make-up, to wear accessories, and to dress myself in colors, patterns, textures, and shapes that naturally express an outgoing and fiery movement in alignment with my natural disposition. For instance, I am tough, so I should wear fabric that is tough to remind myself and reflect that attitude. I strive on completing projects and reaching solutions swiftly, so I should dress in quick, swift, patterns that reveal this movement and essence. I am sharp, fiery, and resilient, so I should dress myself in a way that reflects my inner disposition.

I have only been doing this for about a week, yet so far I already feel like a whole different person. My blood sugar levels and other problems have remained, but they have not squashed me into a lethargic, mopey, emotional mess. Rather, I have been accomplishing more, and having more joy doing it—simply by observing and asking God to reveal the inside of me, and then dressing myself on the outside in a physical expression of those truths and traits.

One night last week I had just started falling asleep after a late night study session when I felt the Holy Spirit awakening me to pray for my little ones. As I was praying for Jeremiah (our almost-four year old), I thought I heard him breathing funny. By-the-way, it is abnormal that I could hear him breathing in his room while I am in our master bedroom with both room doors partially closed. I began to recall some of the “paranoid mom moments” I’ve had in the past of checking in on them unnecessarily; but the Holy Spirit prompted me to get up to check on him, and I did immediately.

Upon entering the boy’s shared bedroom, I heard and saw that Jeremiah was choking. I reached down to him and he and his bedding were soaked in vomit, and he was sleeping on his back continuously throwing up and struggling to breathe. Scary right?! This has been our first flu experience with the kids, so even on that level the vomiting caught me off-guard. I’ve also read though of people dying from asphyxiation by vomit, which is crazy to think of even now. Thankfully I was available to help at the right moment, and was able to sit him up, clear his mouth, and clean up the mess. Then we made him sleep in our bed the rest of the night, on his side, just in case. Jeremiah is all healthy now, and Xavier, who caught the bug a bit later, is still regaining his usual energy, although his other symptoms have passed.

It’s no fun being sick, but I love that even in moments like this God is with us to protect us, guide us, comfort us, and speak to us personally. We have so much to be thankful for.

I recently started seminary and completed my Winter quarter finals last Sunday. Today, grades came in with good news for me: I passed with As. Yay! It is a pleasant ending to my diligence and lack of sleep; I learned early in the quarter that I was taking too many courses at a time. I am still recovering from the overload to my brain.

While I am much too tired to write anything of depth, I have to say, I am overjoyed this week that Jesus chose to intentionally lie down His life for the whole world—not for those who deserved salvation (as none could be found), but for those who were deep in sin (Rom. 3:23, 5:8). There is no greater blessing than this. I have found great freedom in His sacrifice: “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). “He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world” (1 John 2:2). Do you know that Jesus loves you a lot? He died for the sins of the whole world that each person could be reconciled to God in freedom; we just have to say, “Yes!”

I am constantly amazed by the multitude of blessings He gives me, and the freedom I have had in these last five years of experiencing His friendship.

Chag Pesach Sameach and a Joyous Good Friday!

This didn’t happen recently, but is something I’ve been wanting to get out in writing: I had neglected to test the spirit of a particular sign I was seeing in the spiritual realm, and it turned out to be really harmful. I had assumed God was speaking to me through this sign, but instead, it was a former familiar spirit trying to win me back.

Reading the passage in Exodus 32 about the golden calf, I realized the seriousness of my error. In this passage of scripture, the Israelites are in the desert after having been delivered from Egypt. (Did you catch that? They were delivered! The blood of the lamb on their door frames had saved them from the angel of death.) But then, they were in the desert, and they became confused. It seems they did desire to connect with God, but on their terms; and Moses (their mediator with God) had gone up to the mountain and was delayed in his return. They gather together and say to Aaron, “Come, make us gods that shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.”

It’s hard to imagine that a delivered people could project their worship on a physical object that they had just created. But they do. They declare: “‘This is your god, O Israel, that brought you out of the land of Egypt!’ So when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before before it. And Aaron made a proclamation and said, ‘Tomorrow is a feast to the Lord.’ Then they rose early on the next day, offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.”

What is Aaron seeing? The biblical text doesn’t tell us. The first it is italicized because it doesn’t exist in the original Hebrew: it reads more like, “when Aaron saw, he built an altar before it .” Aaron had just created the calf with his own hands, so it doesn’t seem likely that he would immediately forget what he had done and declare the calf is god—especially not the same god who delivered them from Egypt. It’s more likely he was seeing something spiritual. It’s much harder to describe seeing or perceiving the spiritual realm, so if Aaron saw something there, he may not have understood what he was seeing. Probably, he saw something spiritual, assumed it was a spirit of God, and assumed God was blessing the calf with His presence. Because Aaron connected the spirit of God to the golden calf, it became an object worthy of devotion. If he had considered his actions, he may have realized his error; but it seems he was acting without much thought.

This is, at least, what I recognized I had done. I didn’t intend to do it. I was seeing something I couldn’t describe. I’d mentioned it to several Christians who—without seeing it for themselves or having any experience with it—had encouraged me that God was showing me this seemingly positive sign as evidence of His favor and blessing in my life. And meanwhile, I was becoming increasingly physically ill and emotionally tired—and seeing the supernatural sign an average of four times a day, each time thanking God that He was blessing me. And I didn’t once consider that I should ask God regarding it. At one point, I was researching something completely different and came across an article that the thing I was seeing meant spiritual distortion and chaos, but I was so convinced by my initial assumption that I disregarded the evidence without a second thought. It is amazing, looking back, how quick I was to be confused—all because I had neglected to test the spirits, or ask the Lord what I was seeing and what it meant. It is a blessing I was eventually able to discover the truth and reconsider (and repent for) my mistake.

1 John 4:1 says: “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” And to the church in Corinth, Paul warns that the devil disguises himself as an angel of light (2 Cor 11:14). The stakes are too high not to test every spirit, every sign, and every supernatural experience. Every good thing comes from God, but not every attractive thing is good.

Some years ago, I began the tradition of choosing a word of the year—something I could reflect on or practice throughout the year. Last year, the word that came to me as I was praying was arise. I was immediately reminded of two verses: “arise my darling and come with me…” from the Song of Solomon, and “arise and shine for your light has come” from Isaiah 60. I considered that arise might be a call to intimacy with God through prayer or spiritual adventure; and certainly, my prayer life did deepen throughout the year, especially with some of the physical health struggles I faced that were complicated by my pregnancy. I had also considered that the word might be a physical description of the year, since I had just begun leading a small Bible study of women, and had also just started a business of sorts.

Toward the end of 2012, I felt a tangible shift both spiritually and physically. I fulfilled three of the personal assignments the Lord had given me, gave birth to a healthy son (child number two), started attending seminary, and, even beyond these, have experienced an interesting juxtaposition of the closing of one season, and the opening of a new one. In November, amidst these changes, the word arise began to take on new meaning for me, as I felt the Lord calling me to action—especially to face my life with boldness and vulnerability.

After prayerful consideration, my word for 2013 is engage. I am excited to explore what this will mean for me throughout the year. So far, I desire to engage more deeply in the friendships and relationships I have been building, to engage more purposefully with my family and with our congregation, and to be engaged with the many aspects of my life in spite of my frequent health challenges.

Does anyone else have a word or resolution for the year that they would like to share?

Someone emailed me recently, asking what I meant on the “About Me” page when I mentioned I was baptized in the Holy Spirit. I really can’t believe I haven’t blogged about this already, since there is so much to say on the topic. I’m going to post a few entries about this, trying to keep each one concise enough to be comprehensible; I’ll begin with my personal experience and move on shortly to the more important theological and biblical contexts.

I was first introduced to the idea of the baptism in the Holy Spirit in college. I had joined a campus ministry that happened to be under the Assemblies of God denomination, which is somewhat charismatic. Although I was incapable at that point of comprehending much of anything theological (because of my deep involvement in the occult and inhabiting demonic spirits), I do remember some of my Christian friends engaging in a long argument about the baptism in the Holy Spirit and, as they put it, the “initial evidence of speaking in tongues”. Not everyone in the campus fellowship came from an AG background (most, probably, did not); and it quickly became a big discussion, with both sides using scripture to defend their positions. I did not know what was going on, but I knew I wanted more of God, so I started praying that I, too, would speak in tongues. It didn’t happen, and eventually other prayers—for survival and basic needs—took priority.

Some years later, I had reached my “bottom”. It was our first year of marriage, and I was so troubled that my problems were affecting both of us. I was seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist and taking tons of medication for my various psychological diagnoses, with little positive effect. Through God’s divine providence, I was given the opportunity to meet with a deliverance minister. (Deliverance ministers are like specialized counselors: they do everything from “normal” God-centered counseling and reconciliation, to helping people connect with and hear God personally, helping people understand and renounce the lies that they have believed, to the more extreme cases of casting out demons.) My first meeting with the deliverance minister, he asked if I had been baptized in water and received Jesus as my savior. I affirmed that I had. Then he asked if I had been baptized in the Holy Spirit. I didn’t understand his question.

The minister explained to me on real simple terms the basics about the Holy Spirit, the importance of building a relationship with Him, and the “baptism in the Holy Spirit” that John the Baptist indicates as a separate experience from water baptism (Mark 1:7-8, Luke 3:16, John 1:31-34), and which is extended on in other places in the New Testament (especially: Acts 8:12-17, Acts 10:44-48, Acts 19:1-7) . Something like that… Honestly, I don’t remember much of what he said.

I decided to welcome the Holy Spirit into my life. But, as soon as I began to ask Him, I was overcome with fear, and wasn’t sure I wanted my life to change. I was still inhabited by multiple demons at this point, so it was a really intense moment and decision. My vision became completely red for a moment, and I was paralyzed with a fear that prevented me from calling on God. The pastor could see that something was going on and asked me what I was feeling. He told me I needed to be absolutely sure that I wanted more of God, because I would have to give up everything.

After a moment of thought, I was sure of my decision. I asked the Holy Spirit very simply and sincerely to come into my life, and He answered my prayer. I immediately fell over. It felt like slow motion—not that anyone was pushing me over (no one was touching me)—but that I could not stand up in the presence of such a mighty God. I felt His presence fall on my head, and travel through my body. I saw a translucent gold water rush through my insides; it stayed in my vision for some time. (Later, as I read the gospel of John, I read that the Holy Spirit is living water, and recalled my experience—I can’t think of a better way to describe this except that living water had rushed into me.) I also felt pure joy, and began to laugh uncontrollably as the joy continued to surround me. It was the first time I had felt freedom.

I did not begin to speak in tongues that day. (I do now, and will share that experience upon request.) It also took three months for the inhabiting demons to be cast out—not that it couldn’t have happened instantly, but that by dealing with it slowly, I was able to close the spiritual doors that should never have been opened, and to gain more understanding of the spiritual realm.

Here is what did happen right away:

• I received the fruit of the Spirit: most notably, peace and joy
• For the first time, I became absolutely confident of my salvation
• I became free from the bondage of sin (if and when I sin now, it is completely my own decision and rebellion)
• I was given a desire to read the Bible, especially the gospels and New Testament, which had never interested me in the past
• I became able to understand the scriptures (not completely, of course, but in a way that had not been possible before)
• I became able to hear from God and recognize His voice (not that He hadn't already been speaking to me, but that my relationship with Him quickly developed into a two-way friendship)
• The Holy Spirit became my helper, my teacher, my comforter, and my friend--I could not have made it through the rest of my deliverance (or life thus far) without Him

There are so many ways that the baptism in the Holy Spirit comes about--sometimes in monumental experiences, and sometimes much more subtly. The initial evidences of this experience are also varied. I have been involved with a variety of churches, and have noticed that some Christians do not believe in a separate baptism of the Holy Spirit, and yet have experienced it unintentionally by sincerely pursuing God. Stay tuned: next time I'll address the biblical context of the baptism in the Holy Spirit.

Time flies when you’re not sleeping properly! Xavier Matthew is already two months old, and has been such a blessing to our family. For those who don’t know his full birth story, we ended up having an unassisted delivery in our home, and everything was perfect! Here’s how it happened:

The Conflict:

We had been planning a hospital birth—actually, I’d really wanted to give birth at home, but wasn’t able to find a mid-wife who would take me (I’m high risk due to having type 1 diabetes), so I ended up planning to deliver at the same hospital where I’d delivered before, but with a new doctor. The further I got into my pregnancy, the more repulsed I became at the thought of another hospital birth. I liked my doctor, but left every appointment feeling unsettled—I wasn’t sure how I’d go through with the hospital birth, and I wasn’t sure I was supposed to. Then, at 33 weeks, I became very very sick and hospitalized for a couple nights, which is a whole other story, because I nearly died and was again rescued by God (I seem to collect near death experiences). At 34 weeks pregnant, my doctor dropped me as a patient (I now know that he’s on medical leave with serious issues, and the chaos in his office regarding my care was not personal.) And also around 34 weeks, my husband’s insurance changed, so delivering at that particular hospital was not possible for us anyway. We did try to have my care transferred to another medical system, and the disorganization from both systems caused that not to happen.

The Dream:

With all this excitement, we started asking God specifically what we were supposed to do, and if Xavier was alright (I had not been able to see a doctor since the hospital visit, and knew there was a possibility for complications because of all we’d gone through). The night after we’d prayed, I had a very elaborate prophetic dream, and my husband, Ben, was given the interpretation. The dream essentially involved me floating down a river, completely blind (have you ever been blind in a dream?—it’s wild), and my eyes were only opened when I reached a beautiful destination. There was a lot more to it, but that was the essence. We knew at that point that we needed to follow the Lord’s direction without knowing the details, and we both knew in our spirits that it would be an unassisted home birth. (Being rational people, we also both held onto the idea that we could always walk into a hospital if necessary.) It was a big deal to me that Ben would even consider an unassisted birth—earlier on, he wasn’t even that comfortable with a mid-wife. So, I took it as a huge sign from God when Ben interpreted the dream by declaring that we were supposed to give birth at home, by ourselves. I think the Lord gave both of us a great deal of faith.

The Birth:

It was 4:45 am on September 25th, when, for the third or fourth time that night, I got up because my heartburn was so bad I couldn't lie down. I began exercising on my fitness ball, and suddenly, Xavier engaged into my pelvis and my water broke; it was now just after 5 am. I ran into our Master bathroom, called for Ben to wake up, and decided--because I hate messes--that I was going to stay and labor in the bathroom. I felt a very thick and tangible presence of God and was SO excited to finally be in labor. My contractions started as soon as my water had broken, and Ben timed them right away to be only one minute apart. I had Ben roll my fitness ball into the bathroom so I could use it in labor, and also labored quite a bit standing up with hula type moves, or over the toilet when I felt like squatting. I remembered to praise God at the beginning of each contraction, which helped me keep up my excitement for the birthing process. Toward the end (though I didn't know how far along I was), I was so sweaty and tired that I looked over at the shower and thought, "If that were a bathtub, I would finish with a water birth." But I kept enduring, and shortly felt like it might be time to push. I wasn't sure, so I prayed that God would give me wisdom. It's very cool that the body naturally knows what to do. Not only did God speak personally to me that it was time, but as soon as I started pushing, I realized that I couldn't have stopped my body's natural process if I had wanted to. In fact, I'd actually tried not to push at one point, but my body kept going, so I decided to be in unity with the natural process. Ben was on the phone with my dad when I felt Xavier crowning. I called him to my side and waddled back over to my fitness ball where I delivered at 6:38 am--just four minutes after Ben had hung up the phone. I say, "I delivered", but really, God delivered him, and Ben caught him. It was completely painless, so thrilling, and such an amazing bonding experience! I started nursing him right away as Ben read online about cutting the cord. A few hours later we had our first appointment with his pediatrician. Xavier Matthew was 9 lbs 12 oz, 21.5" long, and very healthy. His name means: a new house, a gift of God. Our 2.5 year old slept through the whole birth (I wasn't yelling or anything), and has adapted surprisingly well to being a big brother.

We were blessed to have three guests in our home last week visiting our area with their college a cappella group. It was our first time hosting strangers overnight, so we were very excited. Due to my excitement, or perhaps something else, I made two silly mistakes while preparing dinner for us and our guests: 1) I forgot to double the soup recipe that I made, so it was going to serve 4 large bowls or 6 small bowls at most, 2) I made cornbread and forgot to put in the 2 cups of cornmeal. I'm not sure how these things happened as I'm typically a pretty good cook and pretty level headed person. In fact, with the cornbread, I had a moment before baking it that I thought, "Something is wrong; it's not typically this watery and the smell is wrong." I looked over the recipe again to see what I was missing, but somehow my eyes didn't focus on 'cornmeal' and I baked it anyway, assuming I'd done everything correctly.

I realized both my mistakes five minutes before we had to leave for the concert. By the time we got home with our college students it was going to be 9 pm--too late to remake anything, and all of our guests had dietary needs (as do we), so this wasn't something that could be solved with ordering pizza. Instead, I prayed over the food--and the whole house--and trusted that the Lord would do something. The logical side of me was thinking, "If everyone eats half a bowl of soup and lots of salad...Maybe it will work."

But two amazing things happened. First, the soup was multiplied. I watched as each of the guests served themselves a full bowl, worrying there would not be enough, then one for my husband and a half bowl for our son. I assumed I'd just be eating salad, but I reached the ladle and pulled it up to see that there was enough for me after all! Later in the meal, everyone took seconds--including me: that makes 10.5 bowls. And when we'd all eaten enough, we had so much left it wouldn't fit in our storage containers and had to be stored in a pitcher instead! The next day I counted 3 full bowls of leftovers. God multiplied my soup from 4ish bowls to 13.5 bowls!!! This is more than triple! I've made this same soup many times for our family and sometimes my husband and I have eaten it all in one sitting. This was truly a miracle!

Second, the Lord did a miracle with my cornbread. It didn't taste like corn--not even remotely. But it was MUCH BETTER than normal! It also had a very bread-like consistency despite being made almost entirely of liquid. I had warned the guests of my mistake beforehand: that the bread may be terrible and they were free to raid the refrigerator afterward. But it was not necessary, Jesus blessed us greatly, despite my lack of faith.

He is SO good!

I’ve been taking a Hebrew Aleph-Bet Class lately (did you know the word “alphabet” derives from Hebrew?), and it’s been really fun. I’ve learned about six letters now and wanted to pass on a story about the letter tav from last week’s lesson:

Tav is the /t/ sound* and means “mark”, “check mark” or “owner’s mark”. Each Hebrew character comes from the drawing of a physical object that uses the given sound, so that’s why /t/ is represented with a tav, which besides being a letter is also a separate noun.

To the Phoneticians the check mark used to look something like this: x

Over time, it changed to something like this: +

And in Hebrew the letter has continued to change. A tav now looks like: ?

Back to the +, you may recognize that the English t is also very similar to this, as is the symbol of the cross. Our t did evolve from this letter (having come first through other languages like Greek and Latin) and has the same sound.

In the Bible, there are only two instances where the word tav (which, remember, means “mark”) is used**. They are both in Ezekiel 9 and it just so happens that at this time, the letter would have looked like: +. In Ezekiel 8, people are doing some really really detestable things, and God has decided to destroy them. But, God is just and He decides to put a mark (a tav) on the people who do not like the evil in their midst. These people are saved by the tav on their foreheads:

Then the glory of the God of Israel went up from the cherub on which it had been, to the threshold of the temple. And He called to the man clothed in linen at whose loins was the writing case. The Lord said to him, "Go through the midst of the city, even through the midst of Jerusalem, and put a mark on the foreheads of the men who sigh and groan over all the abominations which are being committed in its midst." But to the others He said in my hearing, "Go through the city after him and strike; do not let your eye have pity and do not spare. Utterly slay old men, young men, maidens, little children, and women, but do not touch any man on whom is the mark; and you shall start from My sanctuary." So they started with the elders who were before the temple. (Ezekiel 9:3-6)

How cool is it that the symbol used to mark those found righteous in this passage happens to look like a cross?! I'd say it's very cool! :)

_{*it can also be a /?/ or /s/ sound}

_{**Strong’s Expanded Exhaustive Concordance only lists two usages of this word (#8420). There are several other places where the English word “mark” is used, although they have different meanings and usages.}

This past weekend we had our first real storm of the season, and we weren’t prepared for it.  Our rain gutter, as the picture shows, did not quite make it through the first of the wind and rain.  It looked like it was also going to pop right on through that bedroom window, and so we were out in the rain trying to remedy it.

The lesson is that some things need to be dealt with before the storms come, or it becomes too late.

Noah was able to rescue his family from the wrath of God because he began building the ark right away.  Rahab put the red cloth outside her window immediately, even though she would have seen the attack from her window as the Israelites approached for battle. Esther called an urgent fast that the upcoming destruction of her people would be turned around by the Lord—and of course it was.

Likewise, there are things we were created to do.  And there are storms that are prophesied to come.  As a follower of Christ I know that I am not called to live in the world, but to live in the kingdom of God within the world.  And there are certain good works which Christ prepared beforehand for me to do—and for you too, whether you know about it yet or not (Eph 2:10).  We can’t function in our purpose for God until we submit to God, love God, and hear God.  Our greatest asset is time, and yet there is not enough time to waste.  Storms are coming, so we should prioritize so that they don’t catch us by surprise.

I’ve experienced so many miracles and don’t think I’ve recorded a single one, so here’s a personal one:  The last time I went to the dentist I had a cavity that needed filling straight away, but I didn’t like the dentist and couldn’t quite afford the dentist’s steep rate (they had used my insurance money on x-rays and told me I would have to pay out-of-pocket); then I got pregnant and didn’t want anything in my mouth.  And anyway, I never got the thing filled.  As soon as I realized it might take awhile to find another dentist I prayed that the Lord would fill my cavity or else take it away completely, and had so much peace in praying that I forgot about it for several months.

How ever many months later, when I was flossing my teeth in front of a mirror, I noticed that I had a new filled-cavity in—I was pretty sure—the same place I had had the unfilled cavity at my last appointment.  I only have two other fillings, so this new one really stood out.  I was very excited because I knew the Lord had healed my tooth!

Today I went to a new dentist where my miracle was confirmed!!  I have no unfilled cavities, old or new!  And the one I did have was completely taken care of!!  I do not know why the Lord chooses to heal some things and not others, but I am so excited to testify that once again He has chosen to demonstrate a healing in me!  Praise Jesus!

I wrote this over a month ago in the midst of a physically trying moment and didn’t have the energy to edit it into a post.  I’m now 21 weeks pregnant, and have been feeling much better: nausea only in the evenings, less fatigue, and the comfort of feeling our little one move and remembering why I’m doing this.

This is what I wrote ten weeks ago:

I’ve pretty much been sick all eleven weeks of my pregnancy, minus a few great days here and there.  I’ve had the flu; I’ve had a long-lasting cough that threatened premature contractions; and the normal pregnancy symptoms (nausea, headaches, fatigue) have been enough to deal with on their own.

But while my tolerances have been stretched, this has also been an excellent opportunity for me to see my spiritual weaknesses and to fully depend on the Lord.

There is nothing like having the areas we most depend on ripped out from under us.  I’ve always been physically pretty healthy, and didn’t realize how much I’d pulled comfort and strength from my place of good health.  Having almost constant pain lately has been quite humbling.  I’ve also become aware of other areas in my spirit that need spiritual transformation, which likely would have gone unnoticed without this ‘forced fasting’.

For the first time, I think I’m understanding the spiritual directive to have joy within suffering—to count it my blessing when I experience trials (James 1:2-4, 2 Cor 12:7-10, Phil 4:11).  I’m not sure there’s a way to articulate this concept, but it is certainly a blessing to experience such a joy.  I have especially have fond memories of spending hours vomiting with intermittent praises to the Lord, and though I also don’t want that pain again anytime soon, it’s really quite amazing that I’d even think in such a way.

To my friends who are also facing physical trials: I want to encourage you not to pray immediately for healing or a ‘fixed’ circumstance, but to first press into the raw love of the Lord.  I have frequently been blessed with sudden immediate healing from the Lord upon praying—there is definitely a place for this and it can increase our faith in a miracle working God.  But let the Spirit lead you to pray before you assume you know what’s best.  I have occasionally been lead to pray for other things: for endurance and strength to face the trial, for the physical manifestation of the Lord’s love and peace, for wisdom and revelation of who He is, for heart, soul and spirit to be transformed into His nature, for the ability to rest in Him despite the circumstance, and so forth.  Sometimes the answers to heart issues are much more rewarding than the healing of the physical issues.

I pray we would not miss out on any of the Lord’s gifts, even when they come in painful packages.  There is a time and a season for everything under heaven (Eccl 3).

I’ve been very sick for a few weeks now, and it was so bad when it started that I couldn’t imagine what could be ‘wrong’ with me.  By the second week of pain and nauseousness, I decided to spend a day fasting and praying to draw closer to God, because I thought I experiencing the physical manifestations of a spiritual attack (this does happen to me sometimes).  But that night, I had continuous dreams about being pregnant and knew it to be true.  One pregnancy test and a doctor’s visit later it’s confirmed: we’re going to be parents!  My husband and I are excited! :)

That said, it’s been a difficult first trimester.  I’ve spent nearly all my time lately either on our couch or bed—or floor, in a few rougher moments.  And I’m practically never sick, so not ‘functioning’ like this has been difficult and shocking to me.  I’ve done almost no reading, no researching, no meeting of people, no writing (even to journal), hardly any eating (though this is improving slowly)… It’s been a new and exciting uphill journey.

My joy level, fortunately, has been fairly high, so I don’t want it to sound as if this first trimester has been terribly awful.  In fact, with so many of my normal activities on hold, I’ve been able to spend many uninterrupted hours with the Lord in pure intercession and worship: singing a great deal in the Spirit, and marveling at the miracle going on in my body.  I’ve also felt closer to my family than ever—though we’ve always been a pretty tight-knit group.  These are definitely precious times, despite the constant nausea and physical pains.  I even think I feel the Lord more powerfully when pain allows me to cry more desperately to know and experience Him.