The past year—maybe two—I have been in an interesting spiritual season. I’ve been struggling through the same chronic health problems that I’ve had for several years, but which have recently moved me from emotional tedium and annoyance into restlessness and desperation. Something has to change, I realized. If not my circumstances then me; and this, we all know, is the more difficult part. The natural movement of transformation comes from the inside out—God changes the heart, and fresh actions flow out of the new creation.

This is an excellent pattern, but I found myself asking, “Okay God, my heart has changed , but I am so tired—now what?” And in my desperation for something new, He began leading me in something completely backward from my expectations: to focus on my outside, so that my inside can catch up to what my heart is already doing. Essentially: to live sincerely in the vision of who I am (an act of faith—of manifesting the spiritual reality through my outer reflection).

There is a longer part of the story that I will skip over briefly: I dreamed prophetically, then realized, that when life became physically uncomfortable, I stopped being the fullness of myself. I’ve still been connected with God—maybe more than ever; I’m still involved in all sorts of things; but the way I have approached my life has been…confused. Namely, I began unknowingly hindering myself with my inner dialog, focusing on my limitations (which are there) instead of on the numerous freedoms I have in other areas. The Lord has begun to teach and remind me who He has created me to be—among the surprises, I remembered that I am an extrovert!

This is still a new and ongoing process for me. The essence is that I am focusing on making my physical appearance look as if I am healthy: taking time to do my hair, and make-up, to wear accessories, and to dress myself in colors, patterns, textures, and shapes that naturally express an outgoing and fiery movement in alignment with my natural disposition. For instance, I am tough, so I should wear fabric that is tough to remind myself and reflect that attitude. I strive on completing projects and reaching solutions swiftly, so I should dress in quick, swift, patterns that reveal this movement and essence. I am sharp, fiery, and resilient, so I should dress myself in a way that reflects my inner disposition.

I have only been doing this for about a week, yet so far I already feel like a whole different person. My blood sugar levels and other problems have remained, but they have not squashed me into a lethargic, mopey, emotional mess. Rather, I have been accomplishing more, and having more joy doing it—simply by observing and asking God to reveal the inside of me, and then dressing myself on the outside in a physical expression of those truths and traits.

One night last week I had just started falling asleep after a late night study session when I felt the Holy Spirit awakening me to pray for my little ones. As I was praying for Jeremiah (our almost-four year old), I thought I heard him breathing funny. By-the-way, it is abnormal that I could hear him breathing in his room while I am in our master bedroom with both room doors partially closed. I began to recall some of the “paranoid mom moments” I’ve had in the past of checking in on them unnecessarily; but the Holy Spirit prompted me to get up to check on him, and I did immediately.

Upon entering the boy’s shared bedroom, I heard and saw that Jeremiah was choking. I reached down to him and he and his bedding were soaked in vomit, and he was sleeping on his back continuously throwing up and struggling to breathe. Scary right?! This has been our first flu experience with the kids, so even on that level the vomiting caught me off-guard. I’ve also read though of people dying from asphyxiation by vomit, which is crazy to think of even now. Thankfully I was available to help at the right moment, and was able to sit him up, clear his mouth, and clean up the mess. Then we made him sleep in our bed the rest of the night, on his side, just in case. Jeremiah is all healthy now, and Xavier, who caught the bug a bit later, is still regaining his usual energy, although his other symptoms have passed.

It’s no fun being sick, but I love that even in moments like this God is with us to protect us, guide us, comfort us, and speak to us personally. We have so much to be thankful for.

I recently started seminary and completed my Winter quarter finals last Sunday. Today, grades came in with good news for me: I passed with As. Yay! It is a pleasant ending to my diligence and lack of sleep; I learned early in the quarter that I was taking too many courses at a time. I am still recovering from the overload to my brain.

While I am much too tired to write anything of depth, I have to say, I am overjoyed this week that Jesus chose to intentionally lie down His life for the whole world—not for those who deserved salvation (as none could be found), but for those who were deep in sin (Rom. 3:23, 5:8). There is no greater blessing than this. I have found great freedom in His sacrifice: “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). “He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world” (1 John 2:2). Do you know that Jesus loves you a lot? He died for the sins of the whole world that each person could be reconciled to God in freedom; we just have to say, “Yes!”

I am constantly amazed by the multitude of blessings He gives me, and the freedom I have had in these last five years of experiencing His friendship.

Chag Pesach Sameach and a Joyous Good Friday!

This didn’t happen recently, but is something I’ve been wanting to get out in writing: I had neglected to test the spirit of a particular sign I was seeing in the spiritual realm, and it turned out to be really harmful. I had assumed God was speaking to me through this sign, but instead, it was a former familiar spirit trying to win me back.

Reading the passage in Exodus 32 about the golden calf, I realized the seriousness of my error. In this passage of scripture, the Israelites are in the desert after having been delivered from Egypt. (Did you catch that? They were delivered! The blood of the lamb on their door frames had saved them from the angel of death.) But then, they were in the desert, and they became confused. It seems they did desire to connect with God, but on their terms; and Moses (their mediator with God) had gone up to the mountain and was delayed in his return. They gather together and say to Aaron, “Come, make us gods that shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.”

It’s hard to imagine that a delivered people could project their worship on a physical object that they had just created. But they do. They declare: “‘This is your god, O Israel, that brought you out of the land of Egypt!’ So when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before before it. And Aaron made a proclamation and said, ‘Tomorrow is a feast to the Lord.’ Then they rose early on the next day, offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.”

What is Aaron seeing? The biblical text doesn’t tell us. The first it is italicized because it doesn’t exist in the original Hebrew: it reads more like, “when Aaron saw, he built an altar before it .” Aaron had just created the calf with his own hands, so it doesn’t seem likely that he would immediately forget what he had done and declare the calf is god—especially not the same god who delivered them from Egypt. It’s more likely he was seeing something spiritual. It’s much harder to describe seeing or perceiving the spiritual realm, so if Aaron saw something there, he may not have understood what he was seeing. Probably, he saw something spiritual, assumed it was a spirit of God, and assumed God was blessing the calf with His presence. Because Aaron connected the spirit of God to the golden calf, it became an object worthy of devotion. If he had considered his actions, he may have realized his error; but it seems he was acting without much thought.

This is, at least, what I recognized I had done. I didn’t intend to do it. I was seeing something I couldn’t describe. I’d mentioned it to several Christians who—without seeing it for themselves or having any experience with it—had encouraged me that God was showing me this seemingly positive sign as evidence of His favor and blessing in my life. And meanwhile, I was becoming increasingly physically ill and emotionally tired—and seeing the supernatural sign an average of four times a day, each time thanking God that He was blessing me. And I didn’t once consider that I should ask God regarding it. At one point, I was researching something completely different and came across an article that the thing I was seeing meant spiritual distortion and chaos, but I was so convinced by my initial assumption that I disregarded the evidence without a second thought. It is amazing, looking back, how quick I was to be confused—all because I had neglected to test the spirits, or ask the Lord what I was seeing and what it meant. It is a blessing I was eventually able to discover the truth and reconsider (and repent for) my mistake.

1 John 4:1 says: “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” And to the church in Corinth, Paul warns that the devil disguises himself as an angel of light (2 Cor 11:14). The stakes are too high not to test every spirit, every sign, and every supernatural experience. Every good thing comes from God, but not every attractive thing is good.

Time flies when you’re not sleeping properly! Xavier Matthew is already two months old, and has been such a blessing to our family. For those who don’t know his full birth story, we ended up having an unassisted delivery in our home, and everything was perfect! Here’s how it happened:

The Conflict:

We had been planning a hospital birth—actually, I’d really wanted to give birth at home, but wasn’t able to find a mid-wife who would take me (I’m high risk due to having type 1 diabetes), so I ended up planning to deliver at the same hospital where I’d delivered before, but with a new doctor. The further I got into my pregnancy, the more repulsed I became at the thought of another hospital birth. I liked my doctor, but left every appointment feeling unsettled—I wasn’t sure how I’d go through with the hospital birth, and I wasn’t sure I was supposed to. Then, at 33 weeks, I became very very sick and hospitalized for a couple nights, which is a whole other story, because I nearly died and was again rescued by God (I seem to collect near death experiences). At 34 weeks pregnant, my doctor dropped me as a patient (I now know that he’s on medical leave with serious issues, and the chaos in his office regarding my care was not personal.) And also around 34 weeks, my husband’s insurance changed, so delivering at that particular hospital was not possible for us anyway. We did try to have my care transferred to another medical system, and the disorganization from both systems caused that not to happen.

The Dream:

With all this excitement, we started asking God specifically what we were supposed to do, and if Xavier was alright (I had not been able to see a doctor since the hospital visit, and knew there was a possibility for complications because of all we’d gone through). The night after we’d prayed, I had a very elaborate prophetic dream, and my husband, Ben, was given the interpretation. The dream essentially involved me floating down a river, completely blind (have you ever been blind in a dream?—it’s wild), and my eyes were only opened when I reached a beautiful destination. There was a lot more to it, but that was the essence. We knew at that point that we needed to follow the Lord’s direction without knowing the details, and we both knew in our spirits that it would be an unassisted home birth. (Being rational people, we also both held onto the idea that we could always walk into a hospital if necessary.) It was a big deal to me that Ben would even consider an unassisted birth—earlier on, he wasn’t even that comfortable with a mid-wife. So, I took it as a huge sign from God when Ben interpreted the dream by declaring that we were supposed to give birth at home, by ourselves. I think the Lord gave both of us a great deal of faith.

The Birth:

It was 4:45 am on September 25th, when, for the third or fourth time that night, I got up because my heartburn was so bad I couldn't lie down. I began exercising on my fitness ball, and suddenly, Xavier engaged into my pelvis and my water broke; it was now just after 5 am. I ran into our Master bathroom, called for Ben to wake up, and decided--because I hate messes--that I was going to stay and labor in the bathroom. I felt a very thick and tangible presence of God and was SO excited to finally be in labor. My contractions started as soon as my water had broken, and Ben timed them right away to be only one minute apart. I had Ben roll my fitness ball into the bathroom so I could use it in labor, and also labored quite a bit standing up with hula type moves, or over the toilet when I felt like squatting. I remembered to praise God at the beginning of each contraction, which helped me keep up my excitement for the birthing process. Toward the end (though I didn't know how far along I was), I was so sweaty and tired that I looked over at the shower and thought, "If that were a bathtub, I would finish with a water birth." But I kept enduring, and shortly felt like it might be time to push. I wasn't sure, so I prayed that God would give me wisdom. It's very cool that the body naturally knows what to do. Not only did God speak personally to me that it was time, but as soon as I started pushing, I realized that I couldn't have stopped my body's natural process if I had wanted to. In fact, I'd actually tried not to push at one point, but my body kept going, so I decided to be in unity with the natural process. Ben was on the phone with my dad when I felt Xavier crowning. I called him to my side and waddled back over to my fitness ball where I delivered at 6:38 am--just four minutes after Ben had hung up the phone. I say, "I delivered", but really, God delivered him, and Ben caught him. It was completely painless, so thrilling, and such an amazing bonding experience! I started nursing him right away as Ben read online about cutting the cord. A few hours later we had our first appointment with his pediatrician. Xavier Matthew was 9 lbs 12 oz, 21.5" long, and very healthy. His name means: a new house, a gift of God. Our 2.5 year old slept through the whole birth (I wasn't yelling or anything), and has adapted surprisingly well to being a big brother.

I am very pregnant and, though not overdue, quite ready for our newest family addition to arrive. To be most honest, I’m past ready, and have been struggling with impatience. My first son came so suddenly that I’ve had an expectation that this one might come early too (he’s already later than his brother), and I’ve been maybe a bit too zealous in watching for signs of impending labor and hindering life-as-normal just in case the baby may arrive any moment.

Even with my first baby I did have signs of labor: my water broke, contractions started and got more intense, and there were a couple other things for the TMI category. My labor was just over two hours and very sudden, but it was still labor. I keep hearing crazy stories, though, about babies coming suddenly in the bathtub or the toilet, or obese women who don’t know they’re pregnant until the baby comes suddenly in their pants—it’s distractions like this that have made me consider the possibility that baby two could come without warning as I’m driving or shopping or in any other very embarrassing and inconvenient way. And when I’m so intense in thinking that labor could begin any minute, it hinders my daily life; after all, I wouldn’t want to go somewhere I wouldn’t feel comfortable delivering. :-P

The Christians in Thessalonica made a similar mistake. They had been doing a great job persevering in their faith despite various hardships (Paul gives them many positive affirmations in 1 Thessalonians and 2 Thessalonians), but then Paul gives them a couple telling warnings:

1. don’t assume Jesus is coming any minute because He will not come until the apostasy and the antichrist come first (2 Thess 2:1-12)
2. keep working so you can afford to eat; it’s not good to be a burden to other people (2 Thess 3:6-13)

It seems that these Christians in their zeal had misunderstood the spiritual season of their time and put life on hold—quitting their jobs and living off of others—because of their certainty that the Lord would come at any time. Their behavior is almost enduring and goes hand in hand with a long list of praise and encouragement from Paul regarding their faithfulness toward God, and yet they were deceived by their assumptions and made a couple bad choices.

It’s been my mission the past couple days to relax and think less about my upcoming labor. I want to be alert—and I’m so excited for this moment that it is impossible for me not to be—and yet I do not want to be paranoid over every possible symptom or so expectant that I put my normal life on hold. It is an interesting balance to anticipate an event with zeal without going overboard. Paul admonished the Thessalonians to keep living and doing the good things they know to do (2 Thess 2:15, 1 Thess 5:11-28), and I’ve been praying that I’ll be able to relax and enjoy these last pre-baby days as well.

I haven’t seen much of the spiritual realm.  Not comparatively.  I have occasionally seen demons and paranormal activity; I dabbled in the occult and experienced a great deal of power, then I was “delivered” (we could say exorcised), and experienced the even greater power of the Lord, multiple miracles, et cetera, et cetera.  But I do not see most things most of the time—not in that realm.

But this is the point:

Most people do not see the spiritual realm, but it nonetheless exists.  And if Christians DID see it… well, I think they would live quite differently (in fact, I think everyone would).

We wouldn’t, after all, allow poisonous snakes and deadly spiders to infiltrate our homes.  Not if we could see them.  Not if we were sober.  We would get shovels and bug spray and hire an exterminator—anything to get rid of the problem.  And yet, many of us DO have such in our homes, and sometimes in our bodies.  We live in a way that is detestable to the Lord.  We do things and watch things and listen to things and think about things that we don’t even realize are destroying us; we don’t realize our actions are attracting the enemy and beginning a cycle of temptation, lust, sin and death (James 1).  Worse is feeling oppression and conviction and making excuses to deal with it later.

If only we could see what we were up against.  If only we understood what weapons we as Christians have against the powers of darkness.

For the follower of Jesus there really are no excuses.  It’s a question of who and what we Love.

This past weekend we had our first real storm of the season, and we weren’t prepared for it.  Our rain gutter, as the picture shows, did not quite make it through the first of the wind and rain.  It looked like it was also going to pop right on through that bedroom window, and so we were out in the rain trying to remedy it.

The lesson is that some things need to be dealt with before the storms come, or it becomes too late.

Noah was able to rescue his family from the wrath of God because he began building the ark right away.  Rahab put the red cloth outside her window immediately, even though she would have seen the attack from her window as the Israelites approached for battle. Esther called an urgent fast that the upcoming destruction of her people would be turned around by the Lord—and of course it was.

Likewise, there are things we were created to do.  And there are storms that are prophesied to come.  As a follower of Christ I know that I am not called to live in the world, but to live in the kingdom of God within the world.  And there are certain good works which Christ prepared beforehand for me to do—and for you too, whether you know about it yet or not (Eph 2:10).  We can’t function in our purpose for God until we submit to God, love God, and hear God.  Our greatest asset is time, and yet there is not enough time to waste.  Storms are coming, so we should prioritize so that they don’t catch us by surprise.

I’ve experienced so many miracles and don’t think I’ve recorded a single one, so here’s a personal one:  The last time I went to the dentist I had a cavity that needed filling straight away, but I didn’t like the dentist and couldn’t quite afford the dentist’s steep rate (they had used my insurance money on x-rays and told me I would have to pay out-of-pocket); then I got pregnant and didn’t want anything in my mouth.  And anyway, I never got the thing filled.  As soon as I realized it might take awhile to find another dentist I prayed that the Lord would fill my cavity or else take it away completely, and had so much peace in praying that I forgot about it for several months.

How ever many months later, when I was flossing my teeth in front of a mirror, I noticed that I had a new filled-cavity in—I was pretty sure—the same place I had had the unfilled cavity at my last appointment.  I only have two other fillings, so this new one really stood out.  I was very excited because I knew the Lord had healed my tooth!

Today I went to a new dentist where my miracle was confirmed!!  I have no unfilled cavities, old or new!  And the one I did have was completely taken care of!!  I do not know why the Lord chooses to heal some things and not others, but I am so excited to testify that once again He has chosen to demonstrate a healing in me!  Praise Jesus!

As a child, Christmas was always my favorite holiday, not because we celebrated Jesus’ birthday (which we most definitely did), but because Santa was coming, and with him, presents.  I just want to be honest: Santa has many of the same qualities as Jesus, plus he’s tangible, comes every year, and gives just the right gift; of course he seems more exciting.

I remember staying up late to listen for Santa and his reindeer on the roof as someone made an imitating sound.  I remember my excitement in waking up the next morning to see that Santa had eaten every bit of the cookies and eggnog we left out for him.  And, of course, I felt great affirmation that the full stockings and presents meant I had been judged ‘good’ by the one who sees all things.

I didn’t just believe in Santa.  My childlike faith caused me to put a great deal of stock into both him, and the ideals he represented.

Then in late elementary school when I was recruited by my parents to be one of “Santa’s elves” and wrap presents, I was heartbroken.  I had wanted so much to believe Santa was real and had even defended my position against elementary school rumors.  If Santa wasn’t real was the Tooth Fairy?  the Easter Bunny?  Jesus?

If you’re teaching your children to believe in Jesus, I urge you not to also teach them to believe in Santa without being fully informed of the potential consequences.  Certainly having Santa in the home does not necessarily lead to spiritual apostasy (I must say, my parents did a good job raising us to have faith in Jesus and all four of us still love the Lord today)… but do we really want to distract our youth from Jesus Himself?

This article by a Baptist ministry gives a very thorough history of Santa throughout the centuries, while comparing Santa to Jesus and giving verses and commentary to show how dangerous the belief in Santa can be.  It is well organized and easy to skim; the history starts in section two: http://www.av1611.org/othpubls/santa.html

This article is a much shorter comparison of the main attributes of Jesus and Santa: http://www.biblebelievers.com/jmelton/SantaClause.html

What do you think?  Should Santa be taught in the Christian home?

I’ve been very sick for a few weeks now, and it was so bad when it started that I couldn’t imagine what could be ‘wrong’ with me.  By the second week of pain and nauseousness, I decided to spend a day fasting and praying to draw closer to God, because I thought I experiencing the physical manifestations of a spiritual attack (this does happen to me sometimes).  But that night, I had continuous dreams about being pregnant and knew it to be true.  One pregnancy test and a doctor’s visit later it’s confirmed: we’re going to be parents!  My husband and I are excited! :)

That said, it’s been a difficult first trimester.  I’ve spent nearly all my time lately either on our couch or bed—or floor, in a few rougher moments.  And I’m practically never sick, so not ‘functioning’ like this has been difficult and shocking to me.  I’ve done almost no reading, no researching, no meeting of people, no writing (even to journal), hardly any eating (though this is improving slowly)… It’s been a new and exciting uphill journey.

My joy level, fortunately, has been fairly high, so I don’t want it to sound as if this first trimester has been terribly awful.  In fact, with so many of my normal activities on hold, I’ve been able to spend many uninterrupted hours with the Lord in pure intercession and worship: singing a great deal in the Spirit, and marveling at the miracle going on in my body.  I’ve also felt closer to my family than ever—though we’ve always been a pretty tight-knit group.  These are definitely precious times, despite the constant nausea and physical pains.  I even think I feel the Lord more powerfully when pain allows me to cry more desperately to know and experience Him.

I work occasionally as a parking enforcement officer—a job I started to get myself through college, and have enjoyed so much I probably will never fully quit.

As I write parking tickets, I’ve often encountered angry people and have had to share with them what they’ve done, while still executing justice.  I’ve heard every excuse, and one time was nearly killed by a man who had parked over an hour in a 30 minute parking zone and, in rage, attempted to run me over with his truck before the police got involved.

One of the most common excuses is not knowing the rules of the road: “I didn’t know that wasn’t a parking space.”, “I didn’t know I needed a permit in that area.”, “No one told me I couldn’t drive through the bus center.”, and so forth.  Some of the people I meet are really nice people who really didn’t know they were in the wrong; more of them are lying (evidenced by the computerized system I carry of every ticket and warning they’ve had in the past).  Regardless, it’s the responsibility of those who drive to know the rules of the road (and of parking).  It’s my responsibility as parking enforcement officer to judge rightly and execute judgment according to the law.

I say this because many Christians neglect to actively pursue the Lord—even though it’s clear that love (demonstrated through obedience) is the first and foremost commandment.  We don’t, in the new covenant, have a rule book to follow as the Jews did; instead, the Holy Spirit writes the law on our hearts and connects us to God so that we can know and walk out His will.  Without the pursuit of God through the Holy Spirit (by reading the Bible, dialoguing with the Lord in prayer, connecting with other Christians in fellowship,…) we miss knowing Him.  And if we don’t know Him, well, He’ll still have to execute perfect judgment.

The season of God’s mercy is NOW.  Right now we’re alive and have the choice whether to learn God’s heart and choose His ways, or whether to drive our lives by our own rules.  And while I can give ‘warnings’ to those parked in the wrong spot (the gift of surprise mercy), God’s mercy is only available until we die, after that His judgment can be nothing but Just because He can’t go back on His word.

Years ago I went through a long season of not wanting to feel any more.  I had been reading a lot on psychology and Buddhism and hypnosis, and started experimenting with ‘transcending’ my feelings so as not to have emotional pain and unrest.

Actually, I was successful in ‘not feeling’ for a time.

It was a very powerful time in my life—charmingly dark and powerful.  I was also working to develop my psychic abilities, self hypnosis, and vision of the unseen; and I was very successful in my occult interests.

There was a problem though, and I’ll tell you why I wasn’t satisfied with the “New Age” way of living: I became so good at not feeling that I didn’t feel anything.  My family and friends had shown me glimpses of love and joy, but I had stopped feeling altogether—no love, no joy, no peace, and so on—and yet, I remembered that I had often felt those good feelings in the past.  So slowly I began to soften my heart so I could feel the good parts again, despite the additional torment.

It wasn’t until years later that I learned Jesus really can, and wants to, take away all our pain—that regardless of circumstance we can rest in the fruit of His Spirit.  The irony is that to receive the Lord’s peace, we must circumcise our hearts—making ourselves vulnerable by cutting away the skin of our hearts, that the softer part would be out in the open.  This is contrary to our thinking because initially it is so painful to sacrifice even our wounds to a God we can’t see; it takes a great deal of trust and faith.

The alternative, however, is the hardening/thickening of the heart—an empowering of the self in order to block out emotional intrusions by building up a defense barrier.  This is one of the ways which seems right to man, but leads in the end to death (Prov 14:12).  The higher and longer and stronger we build the wall around our hearts, the more we cover up uncleaned wounds, perceive happiness and peace when there is none, and the harder it becomes for the wall to be destroyed.

It’s painful to be vulnerable (thus, the Biblical analogy of circumcision, which I’ve heard is painful as well—and increasingly so with age); but, it’s also necessary to rip emotional problems and wounds out by the roots, which requires entering into the most sensitive places.  And it’s not just about reaching the sensitive places, but about allowing Jesus to adequately and thoroughly heal and cleanse us from the inside out.  The Lord Himself is the only one trustworthy to handle our hearts, so we can put it all in His hands!

Yesterday was Ben and my second year anniversary!

On July 7th, 2007, we had a beautiful and joy-filled wedding and an exciting, adventurous honeymoon in the Bahamas and Florida.  Then enter our first year of marriage… What we didn’t share with people at the time was that our first year of marriage was very very rough.

Everything each of us brought to the marriage, spiritually speaking, seemed to multiply as soon as we became “one body” in marriage.  I, especially, was very emotionally and mentally awry, and I became violent and difficult to live with—living with myself was particularly hard.  It was at this time that I started seeing a secular psychologist and psychiatrist (again), and attempted to stabilize myself through medications, knowledge, positive thinking,… (again).

The change in our marriage occurred right about the one year mark.  We had each been seeking the Lord with great fervor—not together, though we’ve always prayed together in the evenings, but independently.  And I’d been going through a deliverance ministry with a pastor who was physically pulling the spiritual forces of darkness out of my life a little at a time.

It wasn’t until we each became spiritually stable independently that our marriage fully reached a place of not just comfortableness but intimacy.  And that intimacy keeps growing on a regular basis, and is especially wonderful when our connectivity with God is high.

We can now testify that a marriage anchored in God is very rewarding!  We hold each other accountable to walk worthy of our callings by staying in the Spirit.  And when there’s a problem, we are able to quickly identify that it’s us and the Lord against the enemy—never Ben against me or me against him.  When we approach marriage from the standpoint that we’re always on the same team, with the Lord as our coach, there is no problem that can’t be defeated.  The Lord Himself can always bring perfect peace, joy, and love to a marriage.

Happy American Independence Day!  Today is also the anniversary of my baptism in water!

I was baptized, first,  as an infant in an ELCA Lutheran church, per German tradition.  I won’t say there’s anything wrong with baptizing infants, but true baptism is a personal choice.  As I began to understand my own relationship with the Lord, I wanted to demonstrate my commitment to Him through baptism.  I didn’t have a home church at this time, so I went back to my family’s Lutheran church and met with each of the pastors until I had convinced one to baptize me ‘again’—this time by immersion, since the word baptism literally means ‘to immerse, to submerge, to cleanse, to overwhelm’.

I consider that this “second” baptism was my ONE baptism, as Ephesians 4:5 says (“one Lord, one faith, one baptism”).

The baptism in water is a baptism of repentance (Matt 3), an appeal to God for a good conscience (1 Peter 3:21), and a baptism into death as we symbolically (and in our hearts) lay down our lives for the Lord that we may be resurrected in Him with a renewed mind (Rom 6).  Baptism in water isn’t the only baptism (there is also the baptism in the Holy Spirit and the baptism in fire; Matt 3:11), but the baptism in water is special because it marks our heartfelt commitment to God the Father and the significance of our decision to follow Jesus by sacrificing ourselves.  And while we should continuously ask for more of the Holy Spirit and to be refined by His fire, it only takes one heartfelt baptism in water to enter into a covenant commitment with the Lord.

Being baptized in water was a very special day for me—as it should be.  I was baptized in the bay at my parent’s summer property with only a handful of close friends and family.  I cried through the whole ceremony because I was so moved by the gravity of my commitment to Jesus.  I could barely say the vows I had chosen.

I didn’t plan to be baptized on the Fourth of July, but the symbolism is perfect!  Just as we celebrate our country’s freedom, I am celebrating my personal freedom through Christ.  Praise the Lord!

Last night and earlier today I was under intense spiritual attack.  It began after I’d experienced great victory with the Lord, and it was so sudden and unexpected that I was feeling weak, depressed, lonely, physically sick, exhausted, …, all at once and couldn’t quite remember how to deal with it (even though I counsel my good friends on spiritual warfare on a regular basis).

I reached out to a few people for prayer, I considered that I should be praying for strength, or taking authority over the lies of the enemy, and yet I continued to engage negative thoughts and wallow.

Then a friend spoke to me and mentioned something like, “it’s okay, we all feel down sometimes”.  I can’t explain what happened in my spirit, but it was like Truth rose up inside me and my spirit shouted, “No! It’s not true!  It’s a spiritual battle!  I’ve been up against this before and won!”

Too often we give our flesh credit for what is happening in the spiritual realm.  But Ephesians 6:12 says “Our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.”  When we feel anger, or sadness, or fear, or hopelessness or any other negative thought it is a spiritual thing.  There are deceptive spirits speaking lies to us.  It doesn’t matter how believable those negative thoughts may seem—they are all lies!

But 2 Corinthians 10 encourages us that if we have chosen Jesus Christ as our Lord, then we have spiritual weapons available to us through the Holy Spirit: “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.”

Our job is to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor 10:5).  When we hear ourselves thinking a thought that is in any way negative or outside the nature of our Lord, we choose to cast it aside.  We recognize that it’s false, claim the truth, and let the truth sink into our spirits setting us free (Phil 4:8).

This is exactly what I chose to do this evening, and I’ll testify that there is nothing better than the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23), and complete freedom in the Lord.  If you’re a Christian, this is absolutely available to you all the time, no matter the circumstance; but you do have to choose to resist the temptation and lies of the devil!

Some months ago, I found myself comparing myself to another Christian.  I began to feel like my gifts weren’t as useful as hers, and coveted the skill set of my dear friend.  Then the Holy Spirit immediately spoke to me, giving me this illustration:

The Lord is creating His body to be like a buffet table of choice desserts.  There are cakes, and cookies, and pastries, and pies--desserts of every kind!  And within each type is are many unique varieties; not one dessert is exactly the same though some are more similar to others while some are quite unique.

Each recipe has its own unique ingredients—some are more basic, while others exotic.  And each must be made in a particular order so that it can come out just perfectly.  It would be a terrible mistake for one to get sugar prematurely, or too much flour, or to be baked as a bare pan…

You, beloved, cannot compare yourself to another because your recipe is entirely different.  Only the Lord knows the recipe, and it’s Him who is preparing you.  Have faith!  Stop resisting and objecting to His perfect plan!

I used to justify that Jesus is not the only way to heaven with the emotional plea that surely a god who is love would not judge everyone based on one ‘truth’ since it’s not culturally and readily available to everyone—that would be unjust after all, and the Bible says that God is a just god.

The truth is that Truth exists outside of what we feel or choose to believe. I’ll spend a lot of time in future posts breaking down the little bit that I know about who Jesus is and how I know. For now, let’s leave it at this: we have a very limited understanding of who God is and how He speaks, so let’s try not to limit what we think He can/will do.

2 Corinthians 5 says that everyone has a groaning in their hearts to be reunited with the Father in His heavenly dwelling place. We also have the promise that those who seek the Lord with their whole hearts will find Him (Jer 29:13, Prov 8:17).

The events that happen between the passing thought that something is missing, the wondering what or who is out there, and actually finding that there is a god and that He’s a specific God, is unique for each person—perhaps even drastically unique for some individuals (like the heathen).  I’d like to share a very small portion of my own experience as an example:

Sometime after my third serious suicide attempt—and, by-the-way, I did know there was a God and that Jesus was God at this point; I’d even experienced personal miracles—I had a very unusual encounter with the Lord.

You see, I had been walking in direct disobedience to what I knew was God’s will for me, and yet, was so charmed by the apparent benefits of the devil’s power (I had, somewhat knowingly, made an agreement with the devil) that I wasn’t totally convinced that Jesus was the One I wanted as Lord over my life.

Yet in a moment of intense emotional pain, I walked into my bedroom after an early-release day of high school when the whole neighborhood was quiet, and in my heart felt a groaning that something in my life was not and could not be fulfilled the way I was living it. I don’t remember if I went as far as to make an audible prayer at this moment, but my heart definitely cried inside me something like: where is the Lord!?

Then, I began to hear music—like an orchestra was marching right outside my window (not just a ‘band’ but a full orchestra!). It was the most beautiful music I’d ever heard, and music was so important to me.

I started looking out my windows for the source of this wonderful music, and it was overwhelming loud, but there was nothing to see.  The street was completely empty; no cars in any driveway; nobody.  And it sounded live, but I began checking to see if maybe a radio was on, only to find that, no, they were off.

So I listened.

I laid down on my bed and listened.

And as I did, a man’s voice, deep and gentle, flooded me.  It was an audible voice, and I knew immediately it was the Lord’s.

He sang to me, accompanied by the music, and along with the song came pictures—it was like a panoramic video came before my eyes as small fragments of my life shown in high speed across my vision (likely my entire life, though I could only remember a handful of the images afterward).  To the best of my knowledge, the voice of the Lord was singing to me the song of my life.  It knew and made audible my every desire, my every anxiety, my every hurt—and I remember feeling as if my whole subconscious (which I had been longing to get to through hypnosis) was being audibly presented before me.

This lasted for several hours—I was surprised when I finally arose to see my clock.  And of all the images He showed me, one stood out more than the others: a short glimpse of friends gathering and laughing at an outdoor wedding reception (I could only see the group from their waists down, ironically, but held onto the vision knowing it would occur at my wedding)—and, yes, the vision was fulfilled when I got married several years later.

There’s more to the story, and I didn’t actually return to the Lord directly after this experience, but I’ll leave the other angles and details for another time.

So, back to that poor heathen who wants to know God but is too far physically and culturally from the Bible distribution centers and missionaries…

Why is it so hard to believe that if God can speak to each of us in any way He desires, He can’t also speak to this person?

So, why is it so hard to believe that if God can speak to each of us in any way He desires, He can’t also speak to other people?

He could choose to speak through a missionary, or a suddenly appearing Bible, or creation itself… Or He could speak through an angel, a dream, a vision, or even His audible voice.

Those thoughts about ‘what if somebody else won’t find the Lord’ is preventing YOU from finding Him. Have faith! He’s going to draw those “heathens” to Himself using their environment—just as He’s drawing you to Him using yours! Remember: the Lord’s people will come from every tribe, tongue, people group, and nation—and that means EVERY (Rev 5:9).  There may not be a many in every nation who find Him, but He promises that each person has equal opportunity to search for and understand the truth, even if the circumstances are vastly different!

So, let’s talk about you… You may be pondering my story thinking: ‘My life sucks; I’ve tried to kill myself too; why wouldn’t He have spoken to me audibly?’ Or perhaps you just don’t feel like you hear Him and are wondering if maybe He didn’t “choose you” (He did: 2 Peter 3:9!).

Let me encourage you in this: if you are thinking about the Lord—even to wonder if He doesn’t exist—if you are asking yourself all the difficult questions about who He is, and why He did or didn’t do something, or whatever, then you ARE being pursued by the Lord. He is trying to talk to you! You may have so much traffic, so many voices, in your spirit that you’re confused about which voice is His, but KEEP LISTENING, keep seeking answers! You don’t need the audible voice of God, you just need an attentive ear!